GOOD BODY, EVERY EVENING...from my forthcoming book PRACTICAL MADNESS: A PRIMER FOR ACTORS, here are some reasons NOT to get into acting:

A.If you lack the patience for doing some simple task (i.e., dropping a pen and then picking it up again) over and over again, 17 times in a row, all the while making your co-workers angrier and angrier, because although you’ve successfully picked up the pen all 17 times, something “just isn’t quite right” about the way you picked it up. If you think I’m being flippant, consider the fact that Tom Cruise flipped out after Stanley Kubrick made him do a hundred takes of one scene where he just crossed a street!

B.Take example A, and apply it to a complex task, such as driving a car backwards down a freeway, or break-dancing through a minefield, or rattling off a long Shakespearean monologue so baffling that even you don’t know what you’re talking about.

C. If you can’t reconcile sliding all over a beautiful, nearly-naked woman (or man), kissing and stroking her (or him) and whispering sweet nothings and doing everything else but going all the way, only to watch them excuse themselves and leap into the arms of their actual Significant Other moments later, and just hearing “Nice working with you, Steve”.

D.Similarly, if you’re extremely self-conscious about your face, body or reputation.

E.If you’ve got a problem with frolicking in a pool, lake or beach when it’s supposed to be July and it’s actually October.

F.If you expect timely arrival of your paychecks.

G.If you don’t have the patience to sit around waiting for 14 hours for one shot of you walking through a door.

H.If you have a problem with gays, women, jewish people, or biker-looking guys, often in positions of authority.

I.If you’re uncomfortable with complete strangers coming up to you and impersonating your most embarrassing scene, or interrupting your hot date to get an autograph, etc.

J.If you don’t like driving hours to remote locations, only to be told “We changed it, drive back to this location here (indicating one a block from your house).”

K.If you’ve got allergies to makeup, especially latex varieties.

L.If you’d feel uncomfortable cringing in fear from nothing at all, since the grotesque computer-generated monster will be edited into your scene later on.

This is a partial list. If you own any DVD’s, at least some of them should have commentaries with the cast and crew, and they’ll have their own stories to tell you.

I really meant what I said earlier, that Acting is fun, but it’s not the ‘typical’ job and it has its own unique set of ups and downs. But damn it, if I hear one more fragile, prima donna actor whine “What’s taking so long?” I’m going to turn into a postal worker!

Also, there are acting roles out there which equate to paid humiliation. Imagine yourself wearing a costume that makes you look like a giant jar of mustard…or a human kangaroo...or a transvestite stripper. Nobody can force you to embody these characters, but playing them might mean the difference between continuing as a paid performer, and taking a regular job. If you do take those roles, you might hear “Howzitgoin’, Mustard Boy!” from a few cretins afterwards, and the role might unfortunately stick with you for a while after the money’s been spent.
But if you did play the Jar of Mustard, you just might end up with a career like Ted Danson. Play the human kangaroo, you’d be Ice-T. Play the transvestite stripper, you’d be George Clooney.

Best, K.K.
www.kk.actorsite.com
www.myspace.com/rockherworld